So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
