Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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