Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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