Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
