Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
