After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
