he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
