I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
