I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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