Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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