I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
