Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
