look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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