he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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