There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
there is glitter all over my balls
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
