I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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