the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
