i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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