So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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