Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
