I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We're too hungover to prance.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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