If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
