i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
