Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
