I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
