Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
