You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
