i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
