During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
