Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
