in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
