I'm gonna have a badass scar
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
