my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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