just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
