I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
