My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
