I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We don't watch enough power rangers
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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