I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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