I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
