I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
