I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
