i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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