Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
