My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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