i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
