i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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