I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
