Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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