My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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