I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Duck Duck Cougar?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
