I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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