My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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