I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
